A mental health journal: day 5

Five years ago a motorcyclist popped a wheelie in a 20mph zone on a public road. He lost control and mowed down two pedestrians. They were my newly pregnant wife and a friend. Both suffered serious injuries - life-changing in the case of our friend - and for a while, we feared for the health of the baby. I was surprised that the police incident form - which we had a copy of - included the address of the motorcyclist. That seemed unwise. 

So I've had some practice in coping with anger. And in 2020, there's a lot of it about. Frustrating and depressing as my own situation is, it's a lottery win compared to many. Gatwick Airport, for instance, is running at 20% of its normal capacity, with little chance of recovery this side of spring. That has caused thousands of job losses in nearby Crawley, with many more to come - effectively turning it into a ghost town. It's a similar story across a travel and hospitality industry devastated by the pandemic and the clusterfuckery of our government's response to it. Millions are suffering, and like most I feel powerless to do anything about it other than use my grain of common sense and follow the (often contradictory) rules as best I can.

Yet an outrageous number of people seem to be carrying on as if nothing has changed. They're hosting weddings and parties, sending their teenage children to school with Covid symptoms, getting on trains while awaiting test results, proudly declaring their independence by strutting around Tesco without a mask on. A tsunami of arrogance and negligence and utter, utter idiocy - some of it perpetrated by people who are supposed to be setting an example. 

All of that makes me angry.

Despite the practice, I'm not very good with anger. It seethes and burns and eats away at me, sometimes erupting at undeserving targets. My wife, my daughter, the occasional inanimate object. The exercise helps, but the closest thing to a coping mechanism seems to be work. Which for me is writing. Blogs, fiction, almost any sort of content (did I mention I'm available...)

It's Friday, but doesn't feel like it. I'm tired. Everybody, I think, is tired. It seems impossible to feel grateful for what you have without accompanying guilt for those worse off.

There are things to look forward to. Holding my little girl tight. Drinking wine with my wife. Watching something silly on TV.

Today's post has turned into a bit of a rant, for which I apologise. Getting it out has marginally improved my day. I hope it hasn't made yours worse. I hope that you're finding things to look forward to.