Job hunting. Insert your preferred string of expletives here.
If you're going through it at the moment - and especially if the pandemic has forced it upon you - I feel for you. I really, really do.
It's a winning combination: tedious, stressful, time-consuming and often fruitless. And until you secure some sort of income, there's no escaping it. In the early weeks after losing my job, I let it take over my life. I streamlined the process with saved searches and email alerts and so on - yet still lost whole days on LinkedIn and Indeed. Whole weeks were wasted in online application forms. Because having spent countless hours toiling over the minutiae of my CV, of course I want to recreate it from scratch in a different format. Over and over. Who doesn't?
None of that was good for my health, mental or otherwise. Every job application, regardless of the process, takes a lot of energy: you need to project yourself into each role in order to articulate to employers why you want it, and why they should interview you. During those first weeks of unemployment, motivation was particularly hard; still seething over the recent past and what I'd lost, I struggled to picture myself working anywhere else.
With my wife's help, I added more structure to my days, with a strict limit on the amount of time spent on job hunting and applications. I needed something to rescue my mind from the mental slurry of vacancy listings, housework and the school run (and the other thing). Something productive and - ideally - creative.
After a bit of soul searching and a lot of mileage on foot, I had several blog ideas, of which this is the first to come to fruition. And I've committed to finishing the novel I set aside before starting work at Carnival UK. Which is a bit scary, because I know from experience that it'll take everything I have, plus a bit more. The merest hint of half-heartedness from the author will show up instantly on the page.
So I've upgraded from Rudderless Daddy to Daddy With Purpose. Which is peachy and all. But barring a miracle, it isn't going to make me any money. And my biggest barrier to finding gainful employment - besides the countless others in similar situations - is confidence. I'm comfortable enough working on my own projects, to my own briefs and deadlines. But I'm terrified of joining a new team again, of having a group of strangers relying on me. I find myself hovering over the Apply button, dithering over my CV, missing opportunities. Which sends me into a spiral of self-loathing, wasting precious time and energy. So boring.
But there is cause for celebration: the response to this blog has been overwhelmingly positive. Thanks to all who have commented or messaged; please keep them coming. The common thread seems to be 'you are not alone', which is heartening and dispiriting at the same time.
Writing this down is helping me get back to where I ought to be. I hope it's doing something for you.
Your blog has helped me to reflect with gratitude on all the good fortune that came my way pre-Covid; and the realisation that if I’m to be caught up in this mad time, then, now, is the best time. Ambitions all realised, both children up and flown and coping fine, financially secure thanks to a bit of savvy when still earning; and my generous husband. OK, so my health is a bit of a let down ... but still time for that to improve (I hope). So, with no regrets clouding my vision, I ask myself how I would have managed had Covid happened when I was 40; and the answer is : not well, not well at all. My younger self took it as a given that my life would be peaches and cream, and it was. I don’t believe I would have had your mental stamina to cope with the shutting down of my dreams, ambitions, expectations. Hats off to you, Andrew. Your strength of character shines like a beacon in these depressing times. Continued strength to you ... and keep on blogging - for my sake, not yours!
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